I don't ask for miracles and visions, Lord, but for the strength for everyday life. Teach me the art of small steps!
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Fear is a normal emotional state meant to warn and protect us from danger. However, if the balance between the fear expressed in the body is not in proportion to the event or situation, a disorder exists.
During treatment for my schizophrenia (2009), my anxiety gradually emerged in waves. Initially an unpleasant feeling, depending on the situation, this state developed into veritable neuro-flashes and very unpleasant anxiety attacks, which were also accompanied by twitching of body language, especially facial expressions.
The condition escalated into increasingly severe states, so logically, I avoided the situations that aroused the anxiety. As a result, I "couldn't see the forest for the trees" and could only perform basic errands like grocery shopping at various supermarkets, locking myself in my apartment for at least four years (2010-2014). At the same time, my appearance deteriorated. People only knew me as the smoker in unkempt sweatpants.
My social life took place online or over the phone, and my apartment degenerated into a complete cloud of tobacco and nicotine! I still had a few people with whom I didn't experience any anxiety, but who I could meet in a sheltered, private environment. These include, in particular: my priests (Mr. Gugerel, Mr. Winter, and Mr. Levak), Günther, my friend from Carinthia, Ingo, my friend from Babenhausen, Kay, my later work colleague, and friends and family members.
At the same time, I was freed from the fear when I traveled. That is, I was in an environment with completely new social contacts for 2-3 weeks until the fear started again.
So I traveled through Europe and South America as my budget allowed.
I then lived in eastern Croatia near my family and grandparents for almost a year (2011) and sought out a specialist there to exhaust all options. Before that, I tried a variety of medications (taking multiple different active ingredients in the hope of covering or eliminating my anxiety, but with the resulting increased side effects). My specialists agreed that the anxiety symptoms were a residue of schizophrenia, and that medication hadn't been able to eliminate it to this day. As written and a specialist once said aloud: "Something always remains!"
The Croatian professor emeritus and former head of the clinic initially did not want to interfere in the treatment, but then decided that it was necessary to develop a strategy regarding my behavioral pattern and to re-examine my ability to work over a period of almost a year.
Jesus Cross in Eastern Croatia on the Danube. (Own photo, circa 2011)
The result is: I am fit for work (2011) because I didn't exhibit any instability (psychotic symptoms) during the year of treatment. The much-discussed anxiety remained, which still severely limited me. The motto in the final session with the professor is: CONFRONTATION STRATEGY!
The first step is to "recognize the trees in the forest" and resolve the many avoidance situations. Then the desensitization strategy can begin by exposing yourself to the fearful situations. The fear gradually melts away and you can even go back to the same supermarket or even sit in a café with people and enjoy a café au lait!
„Running a clinic is like running a barracks, with military discipline!“ (Emer. Professor and retired clinic director from Eastern Croatia)
The first step, dissolving avoidance strategies, is the quickest and most successful. The famous "fear of fear" dissolves, and you can focus on what's important, the main problem—in my case, the fear of constant social interaction! The latter is a process that is still ongoing within me: "The end of the beginning" Churchill W.
A key experience was my first successfully completed job with refugee aid (2015), where I said to myself: "It's me sausage, I'll stay at work until the ambulance comes not once but three times!" (Because of my self-perceived body language distortions regarding my fears). In weeks 6-8, I then experienced that there is a peak in fear! After that, everything got better (in small steps)! Because, as I feared, the fear didn't escalate to infinity, but gradually subsided.
The experience of melting away fear is a very important one that I've been able to build upon. I didn't want to unnecessarily stress myself out by, for example, being late for work or making serious mistakes. The golden rule for such problems is: "Shut up!" In other words, be inconspicuous, get the job done calmly, and always loyally support the boss, instead of acting like a South American Caribbean revolutionary! (El Comandante)
In my second successful job as a data center employee, I was able to expand on this knowledge and, with a few exceptions because the job was so quiet, I was very balanced when it came to my anxieties (I was relaxed among colleagues and could start small talk at any time). However, there were exceptions to that too; my oft-repeated saying: confronting technology doesn't always work and not in every situation! In my second job, there were shortcomings in my body language and demeanor (in my opinion, an excessive inner restlessness), but at the time I suffered from severe sleep disorders, including work, with my sleep being interrupted for two hours every two hours at night.
„If you’re hurt lick your wounds and get up again. If you’ve given your absolute best, it’s time to move forward!“ (Richard Branson)
In my third job in five years (2025) at Deutsche Bahn, in service and with the most innovative medication for sleep disturbances, I've almost been able to revolutionize my demeanor! The transformation didn't happen overnight, but I was able to get used to the noise of the station and the crowds pretty quickly. A certain feeling of being observed persisted for the first three or four years, though, which isn't surprising, given the station's camera system and the station's size, which means line managers monitor work discipline from corners of the station! (Friendliness in demeanor toward passengers and accurate communication of information).
I thought to myself over and over again when I got the observation feelings and/or the fears arose:
„My attitude has always been, if you fall flat on your face, at least you’re moving forward. All you have to do is get back up and try again.“ (Richard Branson)
The entire body language changes positively when working with people at Deutsche Bahn, with the actual self-perceived insecurity problem being covered up in the appearance and interaction in social contact!
Dzimi in front of the Germany-ICE with approx. 135kg (09/2024)
Summary and resume:
The recipe is: <- Constantly Pushing the Limits! ->
You have to constantly expose yourself to fear in order to keep pushing the boundaries of your own range of action!
With the luck of a job at Deutsche Bahn, working with people, I was able to shield myself from emotional overstimulation over time and am now able to ignore many (negative) moments by concentrating.
The process is ongoing and gradual. The healing desensitization process continues to this day and will continue to occupy me for the foreseeable future (confrontation strategy).
Rituals can help initially. The day needs to be structured and run without any additional stress, such as arriving on time and then working the first two or three hours. To this day, I love starting the station in my mobile service by walking past the Railway Mission (Platform 1) and greeting the guests around it.
For me, the rescue remedy is quick prayers! Very close to my S-Bahn station for the ride to Frankfurt Central Station is a church with a crucifix and a statue of the Virgin Mary. The church bell rings every 15 minutes, so while I wait for my train, I can say a prayer inwardly as the bell rings.
As I ascend from the underground station at Frankfurt Central Station towards the break room, I say prayers inwardly while riding the escalator, only to then emerge into the packed break room (multitasking skills are required for me at this point).
The first step is to learn techniques to think away the disturbing thought (fear association), in the sense of an autosuggestive technique such as autogenic training!
Optimal weight and not smoking as well as avoiding alcohol make a big difference in mental well-being, which I have realized by losing almost 60 kilograms and not smoking for 6 years!
This negative energy of fear consumes a great deal of your mental and physical resources! For me, I can say that for the first few years, I would come home from work completely exhausted, either going straight to sleep or listening to meditative prayers on YouTube (for hours) before or after work.
As an example rosary or the lower ones Gregorian chants, which almost relax endlessly can! Heard in real life (in a monastery) it comes close to a special state (meditation under the chorale) which inevitably moves me! …and I am just the listener 😉
Created: (01/2025)
„Christian vigilance is not characterized by fear, but by longing.“ (Pope Francis)
With the usage of the now most innovative medicament as a depot, my anxiety has been switched off since June 2025 (first use of the medicament)!
The time of more than a decade of my fears until the shutdown was marked by strong loneliness.
Anything that had to do with people was always a big neurological adventure (anxiety attacks). Despite the symptoms, I've managed to work for 10 years now, and I've been around a lot of people (refugee homes and train stations) 🙂
God may not hear you according to your will, but he hears you for your salvation.
Augustinus
09/2025
